Why There's Nothing “Soft” about Empathy

There is a polarity at the heart of empathy that makes it seem like the softest of the “soft” skills.

On the one hand, empathy is a characteristic with a gender differential - women score higher on empathy than men. Unfortunately, that differential also attracts the “soft” label.

On the other hand, empathy also ranks as the highest score in the range of emotional intelligence indicators found in effective leaders.

In other words, the research shows that there really is nothing warm and fuzzy about it - possession of a healthy level of empathy is a key ingredient of good leadership.

It’s not only the gender issue that gives empathy its misleadingly “soft” disguise. There is a lot of confusion about the term.

Empathy is often confused with sympathy. Sympathy is a concern for another person’s misfortune. Empathy is an understanding about how another person feels, it allows you to see the world from that person’s point of view. Empathy carries no judgment, either positive or negative, about the other person's situation. It is simply the flexibility to be able to see a situation or issue from that point of view.

Empathy is sometimes confused with “being nice” and about bending rules, leniency or being a “soft touch” in response to another person's situation. Empathy is an understanding about how another person feels. It is seeing the world from their point of view. It is not a weak negotiating stance when dealing with that point of view. It is possible to validate someone’s experience and point of view without agreeing with it.

How does Empathy Translate into the Ingredients of Good Leadership?

A one-word answer.

Stakeholders.

How do you build and maintain your relationships with your customers, your bosses, your employees, your partners, your peers, your suppliers, your bankers, your regulators?

How do you run meetings, get new ideas from your team, make well informed decisions, sell your ideas?

Relationships depend on positive emotional connections and your capacity to experience another person’s situation from their perspective allows you to understand and work with the emotional dimensions of all your business relationships.

This is as valid in a business to business negotiation as it is in giving performance feedback to your employees or making a presentation to a potential client.

If you start from the position of enquiring about and understanding people’s needs, which needs drive their actions, you have a far better chance of successfully building a solid relationship with them.

Working within that relationship, you can build influence, achieve higher commitment levels, get more engagement and motivate your teams to greater levels of performance.