How to be a Better Listener (and how that can make your life easier)

If you think about some of the key conversations you need to have regularly and how you rate your performance in those conversations after the fact, if my own experience is anything to go by, your self-rating will improve if you try to improve your listening skills.

Why?

Because both people in a one-to-one conversation are likely better at talking than listening. Which makes for a lopsided interaction as between sending out messages and receiving messages.

If both people’s messages are not being received in full, how can there be a conversation?

It becomes, literally, an exchange of views and information but nothing really lands. So, no one is the wiser for the information or clearer for the perspective of the other.

It’s no wonder we dread so many significant conversations!

Think about feedback conversations. The recipient needs to listen to learn and know what changes they need to make. They also need to listen to know that they’re appreciated and why they’re appreciated.

In turn, the feedback provider needs to listen to the recipient’s response to understand the impact of their feedback and listen to their questions or requests for help or support.

The same goes for all sorts of formal and informal conversations about day-to-day stuff.

Some things to experiment with that can really improve listening ability are:

1. Make Time

If you’re feeling rushed, it’s almost impossible to give someone proper attention and in turn you’ll start rushing them. Set aside sufficient time for the conversation. Maybe ask them how long they think they need. If you don’t have sufficient time, call it out and schedule a time to finish the conversation.

2. Don’t Interrupt

Hear the person out.

Whether it’s their thoughts on something, a proposal or a complaint, let them finish what they want to say. The pressure to interrupt can be caused by any number of factors. We all have our own. It might be a sense of time pressure, impatience with the person or the fact that we know the answer. Whatever it is, stop yourself from interrupting.

Once the person has said what they wanted to say, then there is scope for different conversational patterns, but you will have paid them the compliment of actually hearing them out, which in turn often makes the subsequent part of the conversation less stressful for both people.

You may well notice something else happening when you try this. First, it often saves time in the long run and secondly, letting the person say it all, often leads to them solving the thing as they speak or realising the thing isn’t really a problem - so just by listening, you have helped them solve the problem.

Also, sometimes people just want to get something off their chest - and if that’s the case, you have nothing more to do.

3. Pay Attention

Look at the person who’s speaking. Properly. So put your phone away and stop looking at whatever screen you have in front of you.

4. Acknowledge what you Hear

Make it explicit that you're listening by telling them you're hearing what they're saying.

Try out some phrases like:

So what you’re saying is ...

Sounds like you have a tricky situation/experience/problem.

You don’t have to agree with them or take on whatever they want you to do.

You don't need to have an answer to their question or problem or complaint.

You're just saying that you’ve heard what they’ve just said.

From that point of acknowledgement, you can move on to address what’s been said and respond from your perspective.

5. Ask More Questions

Try to respond with a question instead of a statement. Questions can open up the issue for further analysis or trigger different thinking and help move the conversation forward.

What you think?

What do you want to do about it?

What ideas do you have?

What have you tried so far?

What do you want me to do?

I’m not sure I understand that point, can you explain it?

I don’t know the answer to that, what can we do to move things forward?